In this issue:
Overcoming Perfectionism: 2 pages
Approximate reading time: 8 minutes

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We’ve started to realize something curious lately: many of our clients are perfectionists. That’s not so strange, right? Accomplished, ambitious people are likely to be perfectionists, aren’t they? That’s how they got to their position in the company or how they built their own company! Perfectionism is the secret of their success, right?

Well, yes...and no. See, the curious thing we’ve realized is that 99% of the perfectionists we know are women. Even though a man and a woman may have the same accomplishments and the same professional standards and work ethic, there’s a striking difference between them in another area: high standards seem to COST women more. These costs come when we can’t STOP delivering, refining, and giving.

Many accomplished men think of themselves as having high standards...yet even then, they know how to relax and play a round of golf or take a nap on Saturday afternoon. But too many of the women who have high standards can’t relax their standards (or themselves!) in any area.

We all prize our skills at focusing, attending to detail, pushing oneself and others to new heights, and refusing to accept second best. But women, more often than men, get into a compulsive pattern with these standards. That pattern is our PERFECTIONISM. And it’s absolutely rampant among female leaders.

Why is that? There are several reasons: first, women have had to EARN our place in the workplace in the past not-so-many decades. The standards it took to prove ourselves worthy are hard to relax after a while. But while we’d like to think that’s the only reason, it’s not. See, women just care a LOT. It’s hard for us to care and not do something about it, in EVERY area. We care so much about what others think, how they feel, and that things be RIGHT. All that caring puts us on overdrive. And we often have a hard time feeling entitled to our job, our salary, our relationships, or other blessings. We work hard to “earn it” and burn ourselves out in the process.

We know there are even more reasons for women’s perfectionism. But beyond the reasons, the two of us care a lot about how perfectionism shows up, what it’s costing women, and how we can stop. Some of the signs are obvious, but others are more subtle. We didn’t really know how perfectionistic WE were till we started writing and thinking more about it. It’s insidious!

For instance, you know you’re kind of perfectionistic if you:

• Feel like you have to get everything right
• Have very high standards
• Do impeccable work all the time
• Take care of every detail at home and in parties
• Knock yourself out to make sure everything that has your name on it looks GOOOOOOD
• Sometimes get rigid or controlling – if things aren’t just “so”, you’re not happy, and if things change, you’re really thrown for a loop. “I hate being surprised” is often the cry of a perfectionist.

But less obvious side effects of perfectionism include:

• Not trying new things because you’re no good at them, or you’d feel out of control
• Not doing what you’d truly love to do, because you’re not sure you’d be successful at it
• Feeling disappointed by, let down by, or resentful of everyone around you
• Feeling like you’re better than other people
• Never feeling satisfied with your own performance or your accomplishments
• Getting sick after deadlines or the completion of projects because you’re so depleted
• You can’t really let your guard down, even at home or on vacation: you never truly relax
• You lose your capacity for empathy and softness with yourself and others – even when that’s what’s most needed in a situation

If this list hits you in the gut with the recognition, “Uh oh! That’s ME they’re talking about!” you’re not alone. We had the same reaction. Many women are in this boat, running ourselves ragged trying to prove our worth with perfectionism. In the Practices section below, you’ll find some antidotes to perfectionism that have worked well for us and our clients. And in the very next section, you’ll read our invitation for you to come and learn use-it-now strategies for overcoming perfectionism on Tuesday, October 17th.

Practices for Taming Your Perfectionism

The following practices have helped us and our clients release our exhausting perfectionistic edge, WHILE maintaining our high standards. E-mail us and let us know your experiences with them.

1. PICK YOUR POISON: Choose three places where your standards might not need to be quite as high as they are. We know, we know: this is painful! But try it and see what happens! Let the report’s rough draft actually be ROUGH. Make the phone call without preparing for an hour. Take something storebought (but still delicious) to the potluck. We’re guessing the world won’t fall apart...but see for yourself!

2. QUIT PROVING IT: Sometimes it helps to ask yourself, “What would it prove if I really nailed this, the way I’m killing myself trying to?”Then we can see that the thing we’re trying to prove is either a) already true and self-evident (e.g. “I’m smart” or “I deserve this job” or “I’m worthwhile”) or b) never going to be true (e.g. “I have to struggle to get ahead” or “If I let one thing slide, it’ll all fall apart”). A quick reality check can be a big relief!

3. LEAN INTO YOUR SUPPORT: Ask for help when you need it, and know that it doesn’t make you weak. You’re such a brave little soldier...but let’s face it: we ALL do better with some teamwork. Keep the stuff that ONLY you can do...and no, we don’t agree that ONLY you can do EVERYTHING!

Just a final reminder: Your perfectionism is NOT the secret of your success. You can relax more, enjoy more, let “good enough” be good enough at times...and STILL be the best in all the ways that matter. It just takes an integration of your masculine and feminine skills.

Until next time,
Here’s to your uniquely feminine power!

Blessings,
Sara and Michele

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