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Feminine Power In this issue:
With vendors, customers, bosses, colleagues, partners and friends, there's one word we all have a hard time with: No. It's hard to hear. It's even harder to say. But not saying "no" can really take a toll. We know you, like other women (including us!), have paid the price for not knowing how to say "no" graciously. In Amy's case, the inability to say no led to problems both at work and at home. She overscheduled herself with friends, bicycle races, and volunteer activities so even her weekends didn't leave her feeling rested. Then, at work, she tried to say "no" to projects that would overload her, but people didn't seem to hear her. She wound up working late and feeling frustrated, and her performance slipped, so she felt like her work didn't reflect her capabilities. Can you relate to any part of Amy's predicament? Saying "no" is tricky. Sometimes we just don't say it, even when we want to. And other times, we try to say "no," but some people won't take no for an answer! There's a vicious pattern that perpetuates our frustration: We feel a little tentative about saying no (because we're not SURE we want to say no or we're afraid they don't want to hear it) so we deliver the refusal in a very soft way. Then our "no" is misinterpreted as a "yes" or a "maybe" or a "not now, but soon." So they ask again and again. When we get fed up with their persistence, we swing to the other end of the spectrum and get aggressive so they will back off. Then they feel hurt and we feel guilty, so we swing back the other way, trying to be nice to make up for our nastiness. And away we go, again! Is it any surprise that this pendulum swing really wears a girl out? We burn bridges, feel hurt by other people, and exhaust ourselves. We feel tired, victimized, and resentful. But it doesn't have to be this way! Even with people who SEEM very demanding, "no" can be a meaningful part of making our professional and personal relationships better. People always seem more demanding if we can't tell them "no." We keep helping them out, doing their stuff, and supporting them however they need it, so they keep asking. Why wouldn't they? But the whole time, we get more tired, more angry, and more overwhelmed. And that's not all. Here's the worst of it: If we can't say "no," we're probably not very comfortable hearing it, either. If you're working to avoid hearing "no" from other people, chances are that YOU aren't asking for what you need very often. When we're super self-reliant, not asking for help when we need it and not able to say "no" to others' requests, either, is it any wonder that other people who DO ask for what they need from us seem demanding and unreasonable? Here's the bottom line with saying "no": If you can take it, you'll learn to dish it out in a way that others can take it. Then, you'll be able to say no AND ask for what you need. For the scoop on HOW to get better at saying "no" graciously, check out the Practices section below and attend our Success with Ease breakfast training on this topic on April 18. Learn more at www.womensucceedwithease.com Practices for Learning to Say "No" Graciously The following practices have helped us and our clients hold our boundaries and say "no" in a way that people can hear, without feeling alienated and rejected. They know where our boundaries are and we stay connected, too. E-mail us at support@elementsoffemininepower.com and let us know your experiences with these practices. Elevate your personal yes-es: Adequate sleep, time to eat without multi-tasking, and exercise tend to be the first things to get bumped when we hit crunch time. Make your rest and refueling non-negotiable. Get them on your calendar and hold them sacred. If your calendar is full, your calendar is full, and that will help you say "I'm sorry, I just can't." Keep your massage appointment even if it means feeling like your "no" let someone down. Unplug that automatic "yes" machine: We are such thoughtful women, and creatures of habit, too. "Yes" pops out of our mouths before we even know what we're saying. Take this opportunity to develop new habits. Tell people you'll look at your calendar and get back to them shortly. Buy some breathing room, not in the hopes that they'll just go away (that is NOT a great strategy – take it from us), but to give you space to figure out whether you really can, or can't. Then get back to them. "No" is easier to say when you say it on your terms. Qualify your yes: There's a whole wide world between "okay" and "no." If you really desire to help out, get clear about what you can and can't do and say that. On Wednesday, the conversation might look like "I'd love to help out. I know I have a few hours next Tuesday to give to this. Will that work for you?" Now they can tell YOU "no" and go elsewhere, accept the time you can give, or offer to help YOU out so they have access to you sooner. It's win-win-win! A tip here: Even if there's a hierarchy thing going on that complicates matters a little, the same conversation works. If your superior needs you and you don't have the bandwidth, take this opportunity to talk about what you would need in order to be more available to them. They need you to hold your boundaries, too. You're no good to them burnt out or doing less than your best work. Just blurt it: If there's any doubt at all, simply say "no." It doesn't have to feel comfortable the first time you say it. It will hurt less and you will be less clumsy over time. Really. If you know you're prone to taking on too much, that you really cannot take on anything else, or that ol' Betty has a true emergency on her hands and you're tempted to leave your own stuff until YOU are in crisis, find your "no" language and blurt it. Keep it on a sticky note somewhere you can see it. Try "It's so hard for me to say this, but I just can't." Add "I wish I could," if you feel that way. A final reminder: "No" is a whole lot easier to say if you are asking for what you need, too. Practice asking for help, learn not to take "no" personally yourself, and it will naturally become easier for you to say no, too. Until next time, Blessings,
*About Our Guest Contributor We were thrilled to collaborate on this month's article with our partner in Elements of Power, Sheila Delaney Duke. She is an expert facilitator, coach and speaker who specializes in supporting professional women in competitive work environments. A "recovering" attorney, Sheila loves to work with women who want to play where the boys are, and win, on their own terms.
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